


I want to love you (in my own language)

by fauu_stine



Series: when you're all alone (I'll reach for you) [1]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Ableist Language (very briefly), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Bipolar Disorder, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Explicit Sex, POV Even Bech Næsheim, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 17:34:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12325632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauu_stine/pseuds/fauu_stine
Summary: “You’re not happy,” Mikael says suddenly and his worried eyes are back.“So this is an intervention,” Even sighs.“It’s not. I’m just stating a fact.““I’m fine," he says again, stoic."You’re so silent,” Mikael keeps talking. “You don’t talk anymore. You… You’re not yourself.”“I’m not having an episode.”Mikael groans, “I know, jeez, I’m not fucking Sonja. You can be down without being depressed - just like everybody else.”“Okay. Maybe I’m not happy,” he admits in a resigned whisper.“Do you need a shrink discussion or a best friend discussion?”"I think- I think it’s more of a friend with benefits kind of talk."-- Basically, a Friends with benefits to Lovers AU.





	I want to love you (in my own language)

**Author's Note:**

> /!\ This work isn't beta-ed and english isn't my first language. Feel free to message me about eventual mistakes!
> 
> Title from 3WW by ALT-J.
> 
> You can find the sequel [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12618264/).

_Now playing:_

[ ALT-J ~ 3WW ](https://open.spotify.com/track/6O1XKTvgVLwytNWdOlFcHI)

[ ALT-J ~ Hunger of the Pine ](https://open.spotify.com/track/3Z0YN50RzRtmYre1bRG8H6)

[Sigur Rós ~ Ekki múkk](https://open.spotify.com/track/6vHRHxt4D2odA3DUUdTfKg)

*

It’s a grey day.

Aloft, the sky is covered with dark and ominous clouds. Down, the asphalt is damp and the street is almost empty. Through the half-open window, the air is glacial.

Even turns around to grab his cigarette packet and his lighter on the piece of furniture against which he is leaning. He takes out a cigarette, places it between his lips, lights it, breathes the smoke and exhales a few seconds later through the window. The cigarette smoke gradually dissipates into the air in front of him.

Behind him, he hears a door open, followed by footsteps. Someone gasps loud.

“Fuck, Even! I almost stepped on your condom! Can't you throw it in the trash? It's disgusting,” Isak complains. And he curses again.

Even doesn’t answer, keeps looking out of the window. The old lady who lives in the apartment above his is leaving the building and crossing the street, wrapped in a large red coat. A black cat sits on a garbage can. A cyclist in a yellow safety jacket rides further up the street.

He takes a long drag on his cigarette then he turns around. There is condensation escaping from the bathroom where Isak just took a shower. The young man avoids the used condom still lying around in the room, picks up his sweatshirt from the wooden floor and puts it on. Suddenly, he looks up at Even and frowns.

“It’s fucking freezing outside, aren’t you cold?” He says.

Even shrugs, even though he's shirtless in front of the window and is actually feeling cold. Isak rolls his eyes at him. Even turns his head back towards the window. There is mist of condensation on the glass surface and he draws patterns on it until his fingertips gets too icy and he pulls back.

He throws his stub into the ashtray at the edge of the window before closing it and walking into the kitchen, where he pours himself a glass of water.

Isak wraps a scarf around his neck and puts a beanie on his head. Even smiles just a little bit to himself; he loves the way the young man looks so soft and comfy wearing it.

A phone rings. It's not Even's.

Isak picks up, "hey bro, what's up?"

Silence.

“Yeah, I’m free. Okay, I’m on my way. See you,” he says before hanging up. “Gotta go, Jonas wants to grab a drink,” he tells Even.

He takes a glass in the cupboard and pours himself a glass of water too, that he then proceeds to drink in one go.

Even doesn’t know if the way Isak is behaving in his apartment, like he almost belongs here, is impudence or easing. Either way, he doesn't mind. Isak always knows when to stop before overstepping.

He puts the glass on the counter and whispers, "Thank you."

“Have a nice evening,” Even says.

“You too, see you soon,” Isak replies.

He gives him a wave goodbye before leaving the apartment.

Even takes a look at his place, a studio with an open kitchen, a counter he uses for both cooking and eating separating it from the rest of the room, a double mattress lying directly on the floor against the wall on his right, the sofa from his old bedroom at his parents’ place, a coffee table and a closet where he puts all his clothes on his left. Everything else is  on the floor, from his books to his art supplies.

It’s quite small and minimalist apart from his easel, his can of paints, his brushes and his expensive camera but he likes it. It’s home- at least, most of the time.

Because sometimes, the flat seems too big for him, even though it's objectively not.

Seems like today is one of those times.

His alarms sounds somewhere in the empty and grey flat.

Even takes his meds and goes for another smoke.

*

That thing with Isak started a few months ago and it was definitely not supposed to happen. He met him at the Eid celebration organized by Sana, their common friend, and Yousef. Even has always thought that hooking up with a friend of a friend was a very terrible idea; in the end, it would create too much problems and the last thing Even wanted was putting Sana in an uncomfortable situation.

But that day, Isak was wearing a blue navy shirt that fit his body to perfection and particularly tight jeans. His blonde curls sparkled in the sun as he threw his head back when he laughed and Even would swear that Isak voluntarily made eye contact with him while his lips slid along his fork.

A few hours later, a young man called Eskild invited everyone to his flat to prolong the party. "With alcohol," he added maliciously. Even's head was spinning with lust when Isak asked him, "Are you coming?". It was the first words he said to him, pronounced with such nonchalance, it was like if they already knew each other.

Maybe they did; in another life.

"Okay," Even replied.

They went to Eskild's, which was also Isak's apartment (also shared with another girl named Linn). They drank, smoked and danced until he found himself on his knees in Isak's room.

When Isak's two best friends, Jonas and Eva, interrupted them, looking for a room to hook up as well, Isak whispered in his ear, breathless and desperate, "please, can we go to yours?"

Obviously, Even nodded.

So, it wasn't supposed to happen. It happened anyway. And then, it was supposed to be just a one-night stand.

Yet, the next morning at Isak's request, they exchanged phone numbers, under the (fake) pretext that "I can keep you informed if you want to hang out with us another time."

Even didn't mind hanging out with Isak's friends. He liked them.

But it turned out, he'd rather hang out with Isak's alone in his apartment.

So that's how it all started. A kind of friends with benefits thing he didn't know he'd actually want; except he did.

He still does…

Kind of.

*

Even shivers, his hair still a little wet after walking in the rain from the bus stop to the apartment of Elias and Adam. He holds his (too) hot cup of tea firmly in his hands even if it's on the verge of burning him.

"Your apartment is a mess," Mikael says as he enters the room accompanied by Mutasim, Yousef and three boxes of pizzas.

"Those who still live with their parents at age 21 should shut up," Adam replies.

"Maybe we should leave to eat these pizzas at our parents' place then," Mikael threatens in return.

"It was stupid of you," Elias says to his roommate, PlayStation controller in hand, as he stares at the television screen. Yousef takes a seat next to him and grabs the second controller.

"No, please, babe stay here!" Adam begs.

Mikael scoffs and sits beside his boyfriend anyway.

"You're practically living here, it's your mess too," Mutasim says, chuckling.

"He's not wrong," Yousef adds.

"You know what?" Mikael asks before grabbing a pizza box, stands up and sits down next to Even, on the other side of the sofa, ignoring his boyfriend’s complaints altogether. "Let's eat together Even, I took the 4 cheeses one."

"No, this is my favorite!" Mutasim cries.

Eventually, Even and Mikael give up and offer Mutta a slide of their pizza. They could never refuse him anything - none of them could.

They talk for a while, eating and taking turn at Fifa.

But then-

"Hey Even, how's Isak doing?" Adam asks.

Even arches an eyebrow, "hm, good?"

"I'm so angry with you, man, I've been rooting for you and Isak for ages, why are you doing this to us?" Yousef whinges with a grimace.

"What?"

"Sana basically set you up. What's your deal, seriously? Can't you just get together already!"

"Leave them alone. They’re having a good time, Even gets laid regularly, why would he bother with a serious relationship?" Elias intervenes.

"You're a very romantic dude," Mutasim comments sarcastically.

"Even and Isak take their time," Mikael says.

"Even and Isak are none of your business," Even retorts, a little annoyed. "And I don't date."

"That's bullshits! You're the most romantic guy I know, of course you date!" Adam exclaims.

"It was before."

"Before what?"

Even doesn't answer and Mikael makes them change of subject.

Before what? Even isn't sure, to be honest. Maybe it's because of how his five-year relationship with Sonja had ended in cries and tears, or how all his attempts to date someone after that went pretty bad, his mental illness always being a problem at some point.

But it didn't matter anyway. Because Isak didn't want to go out with him. Isak just wanted to change his mind and have some fun with a guy without stress. And he was right; because he definitely didn't need someone like Even in his life.

Isak was a smart guy. Even admired that about him.

So it was before. Just, before.

And it didn’t matter.

*

One evening, Isak shows up at Even's apartment upset.

He’s not here to talk about it though so they fall in bed and get each other’s off rather fastly, no speaking, just heated moans and breathless names whispered against the other’s naked skin.

When they are done, Even smokes his usual cigarette but Isak lingers in bed. It’s unusual; ordinarily Isak would head to the bathroom, take a shower, then dress and leave. Sometimes they talk and Isak eats something before leaving but he never stays in bed. After one of the first times they hooked up, Even told him he didn’t mind if Isak wanted to rest a little before heading out but Isak refused. When he asked why, the younger man explained, “I feel weird staying in someone else’s bed when it doesn’t involve sex. It’s just- I don’t know. It’s too personal. It’s your space, you know?” Even didn’t argue. With Isak, he never did.

However, today, Isak lies on his side naked under the blankets. He does stay in bed and stares at an invisible spot in the room, his mind elsewhere.

“You’re okay?” Even asks because he can’t just ignore it, despite what Isak might think of it.

“Yeah,” Isak exhales after a while, still not the loquacious kind.

Even goes to the kitchen and makes two cups of tea while Isak starts to get dressed, his movements abnormally slow. Then he walks to his sofa, puts the burning cups on the coffee table, next to his computer, and sits down.

Isak is standing in the middle of the room staring at him when he starts to play the movie. Even takes his own cup of tea and doesn't say anything, doesn't look at Isak, doesn't pressure him to join him.

And eventually, he does, sitting so close to Even that their shoulders brush when they breathe, the hot cup in his hands and his eyes on the computer screen.

“Is it one of your pretentious movies I have to absolutely see?” Isak asks.

“Don’t know yet. One of my friend gave it to me.”

“What is it called?”

“Pearl Harbor.”

“Oh, so it’s a war movie?”

“I guess.”

It’s not. Well, it is but also, it’s not because it’s a love story. Two love stories actually. But most important, it’s terrible. It’s three hours long of awkward dialogues, absolutely cliché scenes and a very predictable scenario, and even young Ben Affleck can’t save the damn movie.

The only positive thing about it is that Isak is so stunned by the stupidity of the movie that he can't stop making jokes and bursting out laughing.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe I thought you had good taste in movies,” Isak says at the end of the disaster, giggling against his shoulder.

“I have! It was my friend’s suggestion, not mine!”

“Yeah, right.”

“I swear!”

“Dude, you told me to watch a movie called Romeo + Juliet. You have a thing for sappy romantic movies, admit it.”

“Maybe I have a thing for _good_ romantic movies. Pearl Harbor wasn’t good at all.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t,” Isak nods, laughing again. “Who did this anyway?”

Even checks it quickly on the Internet before groaning.

“What?” Isak asks, smiling in advance.

“I can’t believe it!” He exclaims.

“What is it? Come on, Even!”

“This is by fucking Michael Bay. What the fuck.”

Isak is laughing so hard that he wipes away actual tears and Even can’t stop looking at him, can’t stop himself from thinking he’s beautiful, even with his messy hair and his tired, red eyes.

It's late and Even wouldn’t mind if Isak wanted to stay the night. But he can't stand the idea of Isak overthinking his proposition and freaking out or simply turning him down, or both, so he doesn’t ask.

Isak doesn’t ask either.

“Gotta go,” Isak says later as he stands up.

Even wants to lean towards him and kiss him goodbye, but he doesn’t.

Isak doesn’t kiss him either.

“Thank you for tonight,” he adds with a soft voice and a tiny smile.

“Anytime.”

 _Stay_ , Even wants to say. But he doesn’t.

So Isak doesn’t stay.

*

It’s another grey day.

Mikael asks, “are you alright?” with worried eyes when Even sits in front of him in the coffeeshop. He didn't sleep the night before because he had to finish an essay for one of his class and he had completely forgot about it. When he doesn’t sleep, Mikael always notices. It’s like a superpower, except it’s not cool and badass at all.

Mostly, it’s just annoying.

“I’m fine,” Even replies, deadpan.

His best friend pushes towards him a raspberry and white chocolate muffin and a cup of Rooibos - his favorite afternoon snack.

“Is it an intervention?”

“It’s just me being nice, so shut up and thank me, asshole,” Mikael retorts, rolling his eyes. _It's Isak's thing_ , Even can't stop himself from thinking.

How pathetic he feels then for thinking it in the first place.

“Thanks, Mik.”

He starts to eat the muffin by grabbing small pieces between his fingers, never biting directly into it. He knows it pisses Mikael off a lot.

“Funny thing,” his best friend says and by his tone, Even already knows it’s not going to be funny, “I ran into Sonja the other day at the supermarket.”

Even snorts, “you must have been thrilled.” It’s no secret that Mikael never really liked his ex-girlfriend.

“You know me,” he shrugs, “she asked about you.”

“How nice,” he says with irony.

“Right? I’m pretty sure she still has your shrink number on her phone.”

“I’m pretty sure she knows it by heart.”

“Shit, you’re right,” Mikael laughs and almost spills his cappuccino everywhere. “Shit.”

Even takes a sip of his drink. It’s still burning but he keeps the liquid on his tongue until it becomes unbearable. He swallows and ignores the unpleasant feeling along his trachea.

“Even?”

He looks up at his best friend, hoping he didn’t see anything. But it’s okay, he never does.

No one ever does.

“You’re not happy,” Mikael says suddenly and his worried eyes are back.

“So this is an intervention,” Even sighs.

“It’s not. I’m just stating a fact.“

“I’m fine,” he says again, stoic.

“You’re so silent,” Mikael keeps talking. “You don’t talk anymore. You… You’re not yourself.”

“I’m not having an episode.”

Mikael groans, “I know, jeez, I’m not fucking Sonja. You can be down without being depressed - just like everybody else.”

Even likes it when his best friend tries to remind him - subtly but not really - that his mental illness doesn’t define him nor guide all his emotions. It’s small and simple things like this that makes Even feel a little bit better on bad days.

“Okay. Maybe I’m not happy,” he admits in a resigned whisper.

“Do you need a shrink discussion or a best friend discussion?”

“I think-”

Even stops and stares at the crumbs of his half-eaten muffin. He thinks of sweaty curls on his pillow, of smiling Cupid’s bow lips against his jaw, of the heart-shaped mole on the V of the boy’s hips, of the tender flesh of his thighs under his fingertips.

He thinks of his laugh - genuine and infectious.

“I think it’s more of a friend with benefits kind of talk,” he says finally.

“Right,” Mikael nods. He looks at his empty cup and pouts before glancing at Even. “This benefits-thing crap needs to stop,” he states.

Even is about to protest but Mikael raises his hand in front of his face with a serious look.

“Seriously. This is complete and utter crap. It has to stop,” he says slowly, “You know what you want, just- Go and get it.”

Even doesn’t say, _It’s not that simple_.

He doesn’t say, _I’m scared and I don’t want to lose him._

He doesn’t say, _This is better than nothing._ _I’d rather have him like this than not at all_ , either.

He doesn’t say any of this because Mikael is right; this is complete and utter crap.

Even isn’t happy.

And it’s crap.

*

Tonight, Even thinks nothing ever felt better than Isak’s weight on top of him, his body pinning him on the mattress. He can’t catch his breath ( _and doesn’t want to_ ); all he can do is grip the younger man’s shoulders and pant and gasp and moan and arch his back while Isak holds his hips back on the bed so tight that he must be leaving bruises on his skin ( _and Even hopes he does_ ).

He feels him so fucking deep inside of him that he doesn’t know if it’s a bit too much or still not quite enough.

It feels close to blissful perfection anyway.

When Isak bends over him, sliding somehow even deeper and just _right_ , he kisses him sweet and slow, like they have all the time in the world and it’s enough for Even to let go in a muffled scream against Isak’s red bitten lips.

Chasing his own release, Isak spreads Even’s legs wider and thrusts at a steady pace, his own body shaking, both in anticipation and from exhaustion. Even holds him by the waist and links inside his mouth until he’s done as well.

Usually, Even would get up to smoke a cigarette and Isak would run into the shower. Today though, none of them move. Even lies on his back and stares at the ceiling, taking deep breathes while Isak rolls on his side and hides half his face into one of the pillows, his eyes almost closed.

They don’t say anything to each other and Even feels weird. He thinks about his conversation with Mikael and he knows it’s time but he can’t find the strength to end it. Because even though it hurts him to be with Isak without really being with him, it is also the only thing in his life at the moment that brings him joy and comfort. If he loses Isak, he doesn’t know what he has left.

Suddenly, he can’t stand it anymore. He gets up and almost runs to the window where he finds his pack of cigarettes. He takes one but his hands are shaking so much that he has trouble lighting it.

He didn’t realize Isak had followed him until the younger man puts his hands on his, his expression impassive. Even watches him as he slowly takes the lighter and the cigarette away from him. Looking at him straight in the eyes, Isak lights the cigarette and takes a drag before giving it back to him.

“Sometimes you keep your lighter on and you let your fingers above the flame until it’s so close it starts to burn you,” Isak says with a soft voice and no trace of judgment. “I saw you doing the same thing with your burning cup of tea.”

Even feels his heart sink inside his chest and he gasps with a surprising and painful sob he didn't know he was holding back until then. Isak’s arms surround him immediately and soon Even is burying his face in the crook of his neck, breathing in the familiar and reassuring scent. Isak rubs his back and rocks him silently, and it is without a doubt the most intimate embrace they had ever shared.

Even can hardly believe it; because no one never see anything.

But Isak- Sweet, caring, Isak…

He does.

“I’m an insomniac,” Isak whispers as his right hand strokes Even’s hair slow and gentle, his other hand still on his back, keeping their bodies close, “when I was younger… When I was exhausted but still couldn’t sleep, I used to hold my breath until my lungs burn inside my chest.”

“I’m bipolar,” Even murmurs in return, because he can’t hold it back any longer, not when Isak is being so understanding and open about himself.

But Isak pulls his hand out from his hair, his arms leaves his body and Even’s heart clenches painfully. He knows what’s coming next, had heartbreaking nightmares about it for months and yet, he’s not ready for it; he’s not ready for the inevitable rejection.

He wish he could have kept him.

He wish they could have been something more, something _good_.

He wish-

Suddenly, Isak is taking his face between his hands and from now on, all Even can see is bright green eyes piercing through the darkness of his heart, stripping his vulnerable soul, reaching his tormented mind, leaving him bare all. There is nothing left but him, ready to be shattered in pieces.

But Isak doesn’t break him.

He asks;

“Baby, why are you so scared?”

And tonight, Isak holds the pieces together for him.

*

It’s a rainy day.

Even doesn’t look out of the window.

He doesn't see the man running on the sidewalk with a newspaper above his head, nor the two kids playing under the rain with their skateboard under their arms, nor the young woman waiting for the bus with her pink umbrella open.

But he does see Isak, who lies naked on the mattress, eyes closed, his body intertwined in the white sheets, his soft curls falling on the pillow.

He does see Isak sleeping in his bed - _in his space_.

It’s happening, finally.

Even feels him moving next to him and then, a hand curls around his wrist and draws him down slowly. Isak brings his hand to his mouth and kisses each of Even’s knuckle - sweet, gentle…

Loving.

Even’s heart bursts inside his chest and he wants to hold on to this feeling forever.

“What are you thinking about?” Isak asks as he opens his sleepy eyes and turns around the other man’s hand, his movements still careful and delicate. He leans and brushes his lips against Even’s palm this time, presses on the skin, then kisses lightly, like a caress.

“You,” Even whispers, “I’m thinking…”

How-

“How are you real?”

Isak brings their foreheads together and stares into his eyes.

“You know,” he says, “I didn't realize I've been holding my breath for a very long time. Not until…” He stops and kisses Even on the cheek.

“Until?”

There is the ghost of a smile on his lips when he gets closer, so their bodies are pressed against each other, and he brushes their noses together.

“Until you brought air into my lungs again.”

This time, their lips meet and it’s slow and languorous. Time stops; in the quiet of the apartment, in the warmth of the shared bed.

“What do you want to do?” Even asks, feeling brave.

He looks at Isak thinking and waits for him.

It’s okay, he would wait for him forever if he had to.

“Can we just… Can we stay in bed?” he replies.

Even sighs, “not what I meant.”

But Isak knows it already, because he smiles and kisses him again, and he takes, takes, takes…

Until they are both breathless and Even gets impatient. Isak keeps smiling as he says;

“Baby, I just want to love you.”

Somehow, they always understand each other.

“So, together?”

Isak nods, “if you want me.”

If he-

It’s Even’s turn to hold Isak tight in his arms. He strokes his cheek and kisses the mole above his lips, runs a finger along one of his eyebrow and slides a hand in his curls. So many touches…

Soft touches, just for him.

“I want to be with you. Only you,” he promises.

“Then it’s you and me,” Isak murmurs before kissing the tip of his nose.

Time begins anew; but it’s okay.

Because Even doesn’t belong to anyone, obviously.

His heart though- his heart belongs to Isak only.

And Isak’s heart is his only.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think, I'd love some feedback <3
> 
> Alt er love.
> 
> Here's the sequel [I think I was blind (before I met you)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12618264/).
> 
> Come talk to me on my [Tumblr](http://badwolf-way.tumblr.com/)!


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